


Old habits

by Annaliese26



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, Post-Break Up, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23611492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annaliese26/pseuds/Annaliese26
Summary: Poor Ludwig got kicked out and Roderich rushes to pick him up, as his long-forgotten lover. Ludwig then realizes that he still has feelings for Roderich, but things turn out worse than any of them would imagine.
Relationships: Austria/Germany (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia)
Kudos: 12





	1. Break-up

He was damn tired of everything when he entered the well-known bar. He knew perfectly well that none of his friends visited that place, so he had the chance to drink alone. 

‘Champagne, bitte.’ He told the bartender half-heartedly.

That was Roderich Edelstein: he couldn’t even go to drink as a regular country, he had to drink champagne. A little too extra, but that was what he got used to. That day was way too long and he just wanted a couple of minutes alone. But just as his lifted the glass to his mouth, a well-known voice shouted. 

‘Can’t believe the prince himself is here.’ Gilbert Beilschmidt walked up to him. 

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Roderich asked, trying to ignore the sarcastic undertone of the word ‘prince’.

‘Well, don’t think I’m here because I wanted to see you. Feliciano broke Ludwig’s heart. And so I’m looking for my brother. I thought he had come to you to forget.’ Gilbert has never made it a secret that he thought Roderich was a whore. 

‘What? You don’t know where he is?’ The Austrian asked, putting down the glass. 

‘I don’t have the slightest idea.’ Gilbert nodded. ‘Since you don’t look like you are fucking him at the moment, I’m out of ideas.’

‘We should go look for him.’ Roderich picked 10 euros from his wallet and placed it on the counter. It was a very expensive champagne, but he didn’t think he had time to wait for change. ‘Have you tried calling him?’

‘Uhm… No?’ Gilbert answered. ‘Anyways, he wouldn’t pick up his phone right now.’

‘Fine, I will try.’ Roderich dialled. ‘Do you know where he was when the break-up happened?’

‘Somewhere in Northern Italy.’

‘We are saved.’ Roderich commented sarcastically. ‘Ludwig? It’s Roderich, I heard what happened. I just…’ He was still so embarrassed to talk to him about anything other than country business. ‘I wanted to make sure you are fine. Please call me back as soon as you can.’ He put down the phone. 

‘What if we called Feliciano?’ Gilbert asked. 

Roderich looked at him for a long moment. He had absolutely no nerve to talk to the Italian now. They have always been rivals, two contestants for Ludwig’s heart. However, Roderich gave up long ago, he still didn’t like the Italian. 

‘Fine. Call him.’ He said finally. ‘I won’t talk to him.’

Gilbert dialled the Italian, but there was no answer. ‘Nothing.’ He said as a conclusion.

‘Amazing.’ Roderich mumbled. They stood at the street, both clinging to their phones as if those would give them salvation. ‘We could call… Lovino?’ 

‘I will do it.’ Gilbert said, already dialling. 

‘Put him on speaker!’ Roderich told him. 

A sleepy, cracked voice answered. ‘Hey.’

‘Finally. Where is my fucking brother?’ Gilbert asked with anger and frustration in his voice.

‘I don’t have any fucking idea. Why?’

‘Lovino, it’s Roderich. Gilbert says your brother and his broke up and Ludwig disappeared. Don’t you know where they met for the last time?’

‘They went to Venice. Can I go back to sleep, you fucking interrogators?’ Lovino asked. 

‘Yes, thank you.’ Roderich once more ignored a rude nickname. It was routine for him. 

When Gilbert put the phone down, they looked at each other in silence for a couple of minutes. 

‘We should go to Venice.’ Gilbert spoke up. 

‘No. You should go home to be there if Ludwig decides to go home, too.’ Roderich said. ‘I will go to Venice.’ He put a strong emphasis on the word ‘I’. 

‘But if you try to seduce him, I will fucking kill you.’ Gilbert nodded.

‘Listen, Gilbert. I am trying to help you at the moment. I am as worried about him as you are. I don’t have any intention to seduce him or something. I want to get him home as much as you do. Can you please get over the fact that you hate me? Because I don’t know who else would do all the things for your brother that I have done out of pure love. We will meet in Berlin.’ Roderich left him. 

He hurried back home, because his car was there. He made a coffee and poured it into a thermostat, switched on his GPS and left his capital for Venice. It was a six-hour long drive and he hoped he would find Ludwig before Gilbert. He had a feeling that Gilbert would try to convince Ludwig that Feliciano was a bad person, but Ludwig didn’t need that at the moment. He needed comfort and Roderich was willing to give it.

Roderich was already close to the Italian border when his phone rang. He answered immediately. 

‘Edelstein.’

‘Roderich.’

‘Ludwig, can’t believe you called back.’

‘Can you please come and pick me up?’ the German asked, his voice heavy with the aftermath of crying.

‘Yes, of course. Where are you?’

‘In Venice. I will send you my coordinates.’

‘Thank you. I’m already close to the border, so it’s about three hours . I will try to be as fast as I can be.’

‘Thank you, Roderich.’ Ludwig hung up.

Roderich tried to dial Gilbert, but somehow he always missed his name on the screen. He stopped when he was in Italy to do the dialling, but left immediately when he was done.

‘Yes?’ Gilbert asked.

‘He is in Venice. I will pick him up.’ Roderich told him trying to concentrate on the road.

‘Thank you. Just don’t try to seduce him.’

‘I won’t.’

Gilbert hung up and Roderich was free to drive once again. He parked his car outside of Venice, picked up the thermostat filled with coffee and using the GPS in his phone he went to look for Ludwig. The German sat on a bridge, legs hanging over the water.

‘Coffee?’ Roderich asked.

Ludwig turned to him. His jaw dropped: Roderich was beautiful in the sunrise, his hair had a slight auburn undertone and even though he drove all night long, he seemed to be perfectly fresh. No dark circles under his eyes, no creases on his shirt.

‘Yes, thank you.’ 

Roderich handed him the thermos and sat up on the bridge next to him. 

‘You should call your brother.’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘Do you agree to me texting him?’

‘If it’s necessary.’

Roderich quickly wrote the message. 

‘Have you slept?’

‘No. I want to sleep in a German-speaking place.’

‘Fine. Come on then. We will sleep in Austria. I’m awake since six in the morning, since yesterday now.’ Roderich stood up. 

‘Do you want me to drive?’ Ludwig asked.

‘No, I can handle it.’

The German stood up, too, and followed the Austrian to his car. The ride back to Austria was boring and eventless. Ludwig was on the border between sleeping and being awake. When Roderich looked at him sometimes, his blond hair looked like a golden crown. 

Roderich would normally choose a hotel, but looking at Ludwig’s condition, he decided to stop at the first motel he found in Austria.

‘Just wait here, I will be right back.’ He walked into the small house. ‘Good morning. Do you have any free rooms?’

‘Only one.’ The receptionist answered sleepily.

‘Great. I’m booking it.’

‘It will be 40 euros for two people. I’ve seen your cute boyfriend.’

‘He is not my boyfriend.’ Roderich stated handing the boy the money. ‘Thank you.’

He rushed to the car and told Ludwig they had a room. They went in together. The room was small and obviously set up as a love nest. The only furniture in the room was a bed and a wardrobe. 

‘I will sleep on the ground.’ Roderich offered. 

‘No way. You will sleep right next to me on the bed.’ Ludwig said while taking off his shirt. ‘You need rest as much as I do, I’m not the only one here who had a hell of a night.’

‘Thank you.’ Roderich started to undress, too. 

He climbed into the bed with disgust in his eyes, but he wouldn’t say a word. He was too tired, but most importantly of course, Ludwig needed to sleep. 

‘Why did they think this pillow would be enough?’ Ludwig asked, eyes nearly closed. 

‘Here, take mine too.’ Roderich handed him his own pillow. ‘Just sleep. I don’t dare to drive any longer without sleep.’ He continued, placing his glasses on the floor next to him. 

They both fell asleep immediately. Roderich woke up around noon, to Ludwig’s cries. Of course, it was his PTSD. The Austrian stood up and went to the bathroom, looking for a glass. When he found it, he filled it with water then went back to the bed. He started to softly caress Ludwig’s face.

‘Hey, you are safe. The war is over. I’m Roderich and you are safe now, Ludwig. Calm down. You will never have to go back to the battlefield. I promise you.’ He whispered.

Ludwig woke up, panting heavily. He needed a couple of minutes to realize where he was in reality. 

‘Here. Drink it.’ Roderich gave him the glass. ‘Calm down. You are safe.’

Ludwig took the glass and drank the water. He didn’t talk for a long time, he just watched Roderich sitting next to him, as if he wouldn’t believe the Austrian was there.

‘I saw you dying.’ He spoke up finally.

‘That was a dream. I am alive.’

‘Yes. I see.’

‘Do you want to talk?’ Roderich asked, knowing too well Ludwig wouldn’t start talking by himself.

‘Maybe after you got some rest. I know you are tired. I wouldn't bother you.’ 

‘Fine. Try to go back to sleep. Wake me up if you want to talk. I won’t be mad, I promise.’ 

‘Thank you.’ Ludwig watched the other curling up under the blanket again. ‘Roderich?’

‘Yes?’

‘Can… Can I touch you?’ Ludwig asked blushing dark red.

‘Is this some kind of coping mechanism? Because your brother made it very clear that he wouldn’t like it if you were coming to me to forget.’ 

‘I just… want to make sure you are real.’

Roderich nodded and reached his hand toward the German. Ludwig’s hand - as always - was the warm one and Roderich’s the cold. The German touched softly each one of his fingers, maybe counting them and then let the Austrian’s hand go. 

‘Thank you.’

‘If it helps.’ Roderich nodded.

They both went back to sleep. It was around sunset when Ludwig woke up. Roderich was still asleep, so he decided to have a shower, though he was very suspicious of the bathroom. However, he needed a shower because he hasn’t showered in one and a half day and he didn’t like the idea.When he was done, Roderich was already awake, sitting in the bed, glasses on. 

‘Good morning.’ The Austrian told him.

‘Maybe you like it.’

‘Right. Sorry. How are you?’

‘Don’t even know. I feel so empty.’

‘Feliciano had enough of my mental issues. But I don’t know. He told me he couldn’t do this anymore. Just like that. When I asked him what ‘this’ was, he told me: everything.’

‘I’m so sorry, you two always seemed to be a happy couple, Ludwig.’

‘Thank you, Roderich. You have no idea how much I loved him.’

The Austrian swallowed hard, it was especially hard to hear this after all they’ve been through that day, but he knew he had absolutely no chance with Ludwig.

‘I think I know.’ He whispered finally. ‘How is the tub?’

‘Better than I expected, but I don’t think you will like it.’ 

‘Well, I think this is not about preferences now.’ Roderich shrugged and got up. ‘Wish me luck.’ He added and disappeared in the bathroom.

Ludwig has always been fascinated by the amount of time Roderich spent in the bathroom. Even in places like this, he always had his shower, washed his hair, took care of his face and always arrived with such a polished look that it was absolutely worth all the work. It was the exact same way that day, too. 

‘Have you looked for a plane back home?’ The Austrian asked when he exited the bathroom.

‘I want to stay in Vienna for a while, if possible.’ Ludwig muttered.

‘Of course, it is. So then… Do you want to drive?’ Roderich buttoned his shirt up.

‘Yes, I think I need to.’

‘Here.’ The Austrian gave him the card for the car and the two men left the room. ‘We should stop somewhere to have dinner, shouldn’t we?’

‘Is there any specific place you want to go?’ Ludwig asked.

‘No, I just want apfelstrudel.’

Ludwig’s smile was barely there, but Roderich saw it. When they got into the car, Ludwig seemed to be excited about driving and even though Roderich liked to see it, he was a bit scared to let the German drive. He knew that Ludwig would respect the rules, but he could drive very dangerously when he sticked to the rules, too. 

The ride was calm and the men didn’t spoke for a long time. Then Ludwig started to talk.

‘Do you think it’s hard to live with me?’

‘No. What could have caused the problem between the two of you is that your lifestyles were too different.’ 

‘You mean the siesta?’

‘Yes, and you come with a mindset to get work done as soon as possible, but Feliciano usually just goes with the flow. Both is good and no one is to blame here.’

‘No one.’ Ludwig nodded. ‘I was about to ask him to marry me, Roderich. I had the ring with me. How could I miss all the signs like that?’

‘I’m so sorry, Ludwig. I thought you were not on this level yet.’ 

‘Well, if you were me, you would have been right. Damn, I should have come to ask you about marriage, before deciding that I wanted to marry him. You know everything about marriage, don’t you?’

‘It’s very respectful of you to think that I’m an expert on marriage. Maybe if I could do it right just once, I would be more of an expert.’

‘Still, I think I should have come to you for advice.’

‘Well, thank you then.’

They fell silent again. An hour later Ludwig decided to finally stop for dinner. They went into the buffet and tried to choose food and drink. At the cash register, Ludwig offered to pay, since Roderich had payed for the gasoline and the room for the day. As he had said, Roderich ate apfelstrudel, but Ludwig ate sausage instead. The difference was ridiculous and both men let themselves smile a small, barely visible smile when they looked at each other’s plates.


	2. 2

Ludwig was training, as he did every morning. But this was different. He wanted to empty his mind as much as he could, because he wanted to get rid of his thoughts about Roderich. For two days now, he had been craving the Austrian’s skilled, soft kisses, wanted to hold him close and bury his face into the other’s statue-like alabaster skin. 

And obviously - or at least he thought - this was not about Roderich, this was purely about the absence of Feliciano. Although, he had once loved this man, he didn’t think what he was feeling now was genuinely for Roderich. Thus he had to get rid of these thoughts. He couldn’t break Roderich’s heart. Not again. Not after all he had done for him during the past few days. This man comforted him, fed him, gave him shelter. He said Ludwig could stay as long as he wished, because he knew full well that the German needed a break from all the country work. Thankfully, Gilbert would do the work that needed personal presence and Ludwig did the rest online. 

Ludwig did his daily trainings twice even though Roderich told him to slow down a bit and made sure Ludwig would feel safe when he wanted to talk about the break-up. But he didn’t talk about it. He didn’t want Roderich to hear all his thoughts, even if he knew how the Austrian was really good at handling relationships. 

Now he was just about finishing his first training for that day and the sun was rising. He decided to have a shower and then make breakfast for Roderich to show some gratitude towards him for everything. So he went up to the bathroom - the only one in the house he had ever used - and took a shower. This was the same bathroom that Roderich used, so he could smell the other’s countless amount of beauty products that Roderich somehow managed to match in fragrance. Ludwig had always been amazed by this. 

While he was taking off his clothes - which somehow resembled military uniform - he decided to wash the dirty clothes. He quickly sorted out the whites and threw them into the washing machine - once again he wanted Roderich to see how grateful he was for letting him stay. The shower was fast and short and he didn’t gel his hair this time. It wouldn’t have mattered, since he wanted to train once more that day and he intended to shower after that one, too. He walked back to his room, only wearing the towel around his waist, since he thought Roderich would still be asleep. But he was wrong. The Austrian stood in front of him, face flushed a bit pink, lips parted slightly in surprise. He was still wearing his pajamas.

‘Good morning.’ Roderich muttered.

‘Good morning. Sorry.’ Ludwig blushed deep red, though they had seen each other naked many times before. 

‘It’s fine.’

‘I will dress up. Roderich…’ 

‘Yes?’ 

‘Will you let me make breakfast today?’

‘If you want to, yes. But I’ll make coffee.’ 

‘Of course.’ Ludwig hurried to his room, leaving the surprised, embarrassed Austrian alone.

This was Roderich’s turn to have a morning shower, but first he made coffee. After that, he picked a dark blue shirt and black trousers for the day, considering he would have a meeting with Chancellor Kurz in the evening. Then he occupied the bathroom. He usually spent about thirty minutes in there, having a shower, washing his hair, using face masks, making every single lock of his hair stand perfectly. But today he tried to be faster, so it only took him twenty minutes. When he finally decided his appearance would be good enough for that day, he left the bathroom to have breakfast with Ludwig. 

Of course, the kitchen was perfectly organised when he arrived and Ludwig has just finished cooking. 

‘Thank you, Ludwig. For cleaning up, too.’

‘I wanted to show some gratitude that I can always come to you when I need some peace.’ Ludwig answered.

‘Of course, you can. You will always have that room whenever you want to use it. At least, I won’t be alone.’ Roderich smiled, but Ludwig had the impression that he was sad. ‘Don’t you think I’m pathetic? Clinging on to every chance of having someone to talk to.’

‘But you talk to Basch everyday, don’t you?’

‘Not anymore. He didn’t like the idea of me joining the EU.’ 

‘Oh, I didn’t know. Sorry.’

‘Oh, Ludwig. You shouldn’t be listening to an old country complaining.’ Roderich shook his head. ‘What are your plans for the day?’

‘I thought I would go out in the evening. Do you want to come with me?

‘I wish, Ludwig, but I have a meeting with Chancellor Kurz at seven tonight.’ 

‘Fine. Can I use your PC today? I need to video call Merkel.’

‘Of course, you can, as always.’ Roderich nodded, taking some of the omelet to his plate. ‘This smells delicious.’

‘Thank you. I hope it tastes as good as it smells.’ Ludwig sat down in front of him. ‘Do you want some more?’

‘No, you can have the rest.’ 

‘Sausage? Toast?’ The German offered.

‘I will have two slices of toast. What did you put in this omelet? It tastes so good.’

‘I added some cheese. I’ve never tried it before, so I was hoping you would like it.’ 

‘Delicious.’ The Austrian nodded. ‘Thank you.’

They ate silently. Ludwig had always been surprised that Roderich ate so little. Maybe that was the secret that kept him so slim and fragile. But the most surprising for the German was the fact that Roderich ate that small amount of food for the same amount of time, he ate his own. 

‘Roderich?’ Ludwig spoke up, while packing the dirty dishes.

‘Yes?’

‘Do you have time today to play on the piano for me?’ Ludwig asked. 

‘Yes, of course.’ Roderich’s smile was obvious, though he didn’t smile that much. 

‘I know I can play the piano, but I would love to hear you playing.’

‘You will. What do you want me to play?’ Roderich asked, already opening the folder on his iPad that contained digitalized music sheets.

‘I want you to choose. I’d be glad to hear your favorites.’

‘Oh, so you want me to play more than one piece, don’t you?’ Roderich asked teasingly. 

‘Yes, if you have time.’ Ludwig blushed a little.

‘I have.’ The Austrian nodded. ‘But there is something we need to clear up. I don’t have favorites. Choosing between the piano pieces would be like choosing among my children.’ 

‘Obviously.’ Ludwig nodded in agreement. 

Roderich scrolled through the music sheets until he found what he was looking for. ‘Debussy?’ He asked finally.

‘Perfect. That fits you.’ 

‘Great. Come, you can finish packing later.’

Ludwig had a terrified last look on the kitchen. Should he leave it like that? Roderich didn’t even seem to mind it, so he followed the Austrian.

The music room was a beautiful, airy room with perfect acoustics to it, built exactly for playing any instrument ever made. Roderich sat on the bench and placed the iPad on the piano. 

‘Can… Can I sit next to you?’ 

‘No, you have to stand next to the piano.’ Roderich rolled his eyes. ‘Of course, you can. It would be preferred.’

Ludwig took a seat next to him, but he decided to keep distance for two reasons. One, he wanted Roderich to have all the place he’d need and secondly, he didn’t want to smell him, because that would lead to disastrous consequences. He waited quietly until Roderich got ready to play and when the Austrian took a deep breath, he closed his eyes, knowing full well the other would finally start playing.

But then, just as Roderich started to play, Ludwig felt the need to open his eyes. Roderich’s eyes were closed. He looked so beautiful and Ludwig wanted to kiss him or at least touch him. To run his hand down his back or bury his face into Roderich’s hair.

Roderich finished Debussy’s Arabesque No.1 and Ludwig was already out of his mind, thinking about this man, sitting next to him, playing the piano.

‘Do you want to hear another piece?’ Roderich asked, his voice sounding heavenly.

‘Yes, if you don’t mind.’ Ludwig answered blushing.

The Austrian nodded without opening his eyes. He started to play Debussy’s Clair de Lune. Ludwig didn’t understand why Roderich still used the sheets, because actually, he didn’t. And this was something that Ludwig thought was really impressive. And of course, listening to this man playing the piano, Ludwig started to feel like his pants were too tight. But no way, this was happening. He couldn’t wait until the end of the piece. He jumped up and headed to one of the doors, but Roderich’s worried voice stopped him.

‘Ludwig, is there something wrong?’ He asked.

‘No, I just… I need to go to the bathroom.’ The German muttered, blushing.

Roderich nodded and Ludwig could hear that he closed the cover of the piano and suddenly an even worse feeling hit the German: it was guilt. He knew he had to ease himself, so he rushed to the bathroom and closed the door. It was fast and - just for an even worse wave of guilt - he couldn’t think of Feliciano. His memories of Roderich came to his mind and those pictures made the whole process become even faster. He cleaned himself up and decided to avoid Roderich for the rest of the day - this palace-like house would be a perfect setting for this - so he closed Roderich’s study to himself.

The next time they met was before Roderich left for the meeting. He knocked on the study ’s door. 

‘I hope everything is fine, Ludwig.’ He said, not even entering.

‘Yes, sorry. I got carried away with work.’

‘You should sometimes be a bit easier on yourself, Ludwig.’

‘I will try to.’

‘Right. Now, I need to leave for this meeting. Have fun going out, I don’t know when I will be back. I put keys on the drawers in the hall for you.’

‘Thank you. Good luck, Roderich.’ 

The Austrian nodded and left. He sat in his car and left for the downtown of Vienna. The meeting was long enough for him to start wandering, because he wasn’t really able to concentrate for too long. Or at least, not on country business. There was a point where he started to scroll through his phone. Luckily, because he got a text message from Ludwig, saying he left to go out. He was both surprised and happy that the German felt like letting him know.

When the meeting was finally over, he texted Ludwig, asking if he would want to come home with him, but the answer was no, so he drove home alone. He closed the door and took a shower, but decided to wait for Ludwig awake. He went back to the music room and played Chopin’s Spring Waltz.

Ludwig arrived at the end of the piece. He was visibly drunk and Roderich decided it was a good idea to help him with getting into bed. The drunk German walked into the music room and stood next to the sitting Austrian.

‘Roderich.’ He stated, voice heavily influenced by the amount of alcohol he drank.

‘Yes, Ludwig?’ There was no answer, so he decided to continue. ‘Come, you should have a shower.’

‘No. I have to tell you that you are beautiful.’

‘Thank you. But you really need to shower.’ He stood up. ‘Come with me.’

The German followed him without any need of support, but just before they entered the bathroom, Ludwig started to keck. 

‘Oh, come on. Just keep it in, it’s just some more steps, Ludwig. Come.’ Roderich guided him towards the toilet bowl, and he arrived just in time. ‘You did well.’ The Austrian softly stroked back his hair, while taking a seat next to him. ‘Let it all come out.’ He tried his best not to start vomiting himself, because of the smells, but kept on caressing the blond locks. 

When it seemed like Ludwig had emptied his stomach, Roderich handed him the toothbrush.

‘Do you think it’s safe to sleep in your room?’ He asked, helping the German up. 

Ludwig shook his head and Roderich decided to stay with him during the night. He wasn’t sure whether the German would - unwillingly - hurt himself, so he wanted to take care of him. 

‘Fine. Then I will sleep here with you. We would need blankets and pillows, right?’ And he immediately left the bathroom.

While picking up bed sheets, he was thinking about this situation. He couldn’t believe that this was happening to him, a once-great nation, who ruled over Europe now sacrificing all his dignity for this beloved German who has left him to die more than once before. Still, he couldn’t say no and he would do anything Ludwig would ask for. 

Finally, he got all the stuff he thought they would need and headed back to the bathroom. When he arrived, Ludwig was already asleep, curled up as he did in his childhood, fists pressed together as if he was trying to get hold of something in his sleep. Roderich couldn’t help himself and smiled, shaking his head. Then placed a pillow next to the bathtub for support, sat down, and pulled Ludwig’s head into his lap. He wrapped his bare feet into one blanket and he used the other to cover the German’s body. 

‘Everything is fine.’ He whispered, caressing the pale face once more. ‘Sleep now, you need to. Hopefully you won’t get a terrible hangover tomorrow. Good night, Ludwig.’

Roderich fell asleep slowly, his hand placed on Ludwig’s face, knowing too well that he would get a horrible backache in the morning. He was a bit cold, too, but he couldn’t care less about it, he was too tired and only caring about Ludwig sleeping well. It was fine like that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I somehow ended up forgetting to share the last two chapters, but here they are finally. Also I should found a club dedicated to such clumsy writers as I am, who writes a fanfiction and forgets to share it... Anyways, ENJOY!

Ludwig woke up with a terrible headache, but with Roderich’s soft, cold hand on his face. He pulled the blanket closer to his face, but didn’t dare to move more, because he didn’t want to wake Roderich up. He closed his eyes again, because every single sunbeam pouring into the bathroom hurt his eyes, but tried not to fall asleep again. After all this and especially after last morning, he decided to finally leave, knowing full well he could stay, but worried about his feelings and breaking Roderich’s heart. But he was sure he couldn’t travel with such a hangover.

By the time he got to the end of these thoughts, Roderich started to move his fingers on the German’s face. 

‘Are you awake?’ The Austrian whispered, trying not to cause a wave of headache. 

Ludwig nodded and sat up slowly. Roderich gave him the other pillow he had brought in last night. 

‘Thank you. Sorry for all this.’ Ludwig’s voice was filled with regret.

‘We’ve all been there.’ Roderich softly touched his hand, but only for a second. ‘Do you want some Aspirin? Or coffee?’

‘Later. Can we sit here for a while?’

‘Of course. As long as you wish to.’

‘I think I should go back home soon. I’m glad that I could come here, but I feel like it’s time for me to go back to Berlin.’ The German muttered. 

‘Fine. Thank you for being honest. I hope you feel better now and that you’ll find a man suitable for you or find joy in being single.’

‘You speak like you were the one who broke up with me, you know.’ Ludwig smiled sadly.

‘Every once in a while even I feel the need to be honest. I hope you will visit often, but it depends on you, of course.’ 

‘I hope I will have the opportunity.’ Ludwig nodded. 

They sat there in silence, not even daring to look at each other. This silence was the most comfortable one they have ever experienced. They didn’t feel the pressure to talk, they were together and they both felt like it was fine. Ludwig’s hand started to wander and found its way to Roderich’s cold, slim fingers. The Austrian looked at him. 

‘Is this the same coping mechanism as in the motel?’ He asked.

‘Not really. I just… we… I…’

‘Ludwig, what’s wrong?’ 

‘I think, I should have a shower.’ Ludwig jumped up, causing a wave of dizziness to himself. ‘Can I help you with the bedsheets?’

‘No. Have your shower. I will bring some clothes. What are your plans for the day?’

‘Endure.’

‘Good luck. I will put the clean clothes to the shelf.’

‘Thank you, Roderich.’

‘You’re welcome.’ The Austrian picked up all the sheets and left the bathroom. 

He got used to the way Ludwig changed topics when he got flustered or embarrassed. Roderich usually just smiled to himself when things like this happened, but wouldn’t dare to make Ludwig talk about things he didn’t want to. 

Ludwig hated himself for last night and for causing Roderich any inconvenience. Nonetheless, he had to move way slower than he usually did, because every single movement was painful. He heard the bathroom’s door closing, so he assumed he got the clean clothes. He climbed out of the bathtub and tried his best to get back to his normal speed, but due to the alcohol he drank last night, it seemed impossible.

When he arrived to the kitchen, Roderich immediately gave him a huge glass of cold water and an Aspirin. 

‘Thank you.’ Ludwig nodded, taking the painkiller.

‘I made coffee. Do you want some? Sit down, please. I will take care of you.’ Roderich patted his shoulder lightly. 

Ludwig knew that any kind of opposition would be useless. He remembered how it was when Gilbert had left him with Roderich and the Austrian’s parental instincts switched on. There was no way anyone could stop him. Ludwig allowed himself a barely visible smile remembering this. 

‘Are you feeling better?’ Roderich asked. 

‘I feel horrible. I don’t know what I have done last night and I’m ashamed of how I acted around you yesterday. I’m a horrible person and I should leave Austria, before I could cause any more harm.’ Ludwig answered.

Roderich collapsed onto a chair and his face looked surprised. He wasn’t sure what harm Ludwig thought he had caused, because he was fine with what had happened yesterday.

‘What exactly are you talking about, Ludwig?’ He asked after a few minutes of silence.

Ludwig sat down in front of him and his cheeks were already flushed deep red. He was fidgeting with the hem of his T-shirt.

‘There are things that we should discuss…’ He started, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

‘Should I speak or are you the one who wants to speak?’ Roderich asked, sipping his coffee. 

‘I think it’s my time to talk. Finally.’ 

‘Then talk.’

‘But there is something we need to clear up, before I say anything. I know you had once loved me. Do you still love me?’

It was Roderich’s time to flush deep red and nearly choke on his coffee.

‘I… I think I do, but that shouldn’t have an impact on what you say or do.’

‘Thank you, but it has.’ Ludwig shook his head. ‘That is why I have to leave.’

‘Why?’ Roderich didn’t understand a word, but he tried to concentrate on every single one of them, thinking that would help.

‘I have… I…’ The German fell silent. 

‘You need to know, Ludwig, that everything you feel is fine. I will listen to everything you have to say.’ 

‘You know, by saying all this, you are just making it worse. But it’s not your fault. After the war ended and what I had done, I thought you would never want to see me again, but then you called me that you had Gilbert with you and I was so grateful. Then you were with me all the time when he was ill, never pressuring me into a relationship.’

‘Why is that important?’

‘Because I looked at you as a friend. Just as I did when you arrived to Venice two weeks ago. But then I started to feel something else. Something…’ He fell silent again. 

‘Something more. I know. Did you really think that I wasn’t aware?’ Roderich asked with a soft smile. 

‘I hoped so. Because I wasn’t sure what it was.’

‘Are you sure now?’

‘No. That is why I have to leave before I could break your heart.’

‘Thank you, I guess.’

‘I’m so sorry for what happened. I shouldn’t have done any of these things.’

‘Everything was fine like that. You don’t have to be sorry for anything. I know your problem, I think.’ Roderich added.

‘What is it then? I think you really an expert.’

Roderich couldn’t help, but laugh out loud. Even he himself was surprised at his own reaction, but he found it really ridiculous how Ludwig thought he could hide away his feelings from him.

‘You are wondering whether what you feel is for me or for Feliciano who you still miss, because you’ve been together for… thirty years now, if I’m correct.’ The Austrian spoke so simply of this and Ludwig was so surprised by that kind of reaction. ‘If you want to figure it out, I’m willing to give you the time you need, but I must add what I’ve told you earlier: that room is still yours.’

‘How can you be so calm?’ 

‘I’ve been abandoned by lovers before. They didn’t care about my feelings or bothered to act like they did. You are not my lover and at least you are doing your best to be honest.’

‘Roderich, I… I don’t know what to say.’

‘Don’t say a word. We can buy a plane ticket after breakfast if you want to. But first, have a coffee and eat a proper meal.’

The Austrian poured some coffee into a cup and handed it to Ludwig without any added sugar or milk. He knew full well how the German liked it. There was no way for him to forget that.

‘What do you want to eat?’ 

‘Just omelet. I still feel a bit sick after last night.’

‘Wonder why.’ Roderich nodded and handed him the pan, while sitting down again. 

‘Don’t you eat?’ 

‘No, I can’t today. Thank you.’

They sat there quietly, Roderich still sipping his milky, sugary mug of coffee, Ludwig eating in small bites, his eyes wandering to the Austrian over and over again. Roderich could see the flush on his cheeks, before he decided to speak up. 

‘Did… did I tell you yesterday that you were beautiful?’

‘Yes.’

‘I just… I wanted to make sure that you know I find you beautiful when I’m sober, too.’

‘Thank you.’

When Ludwig finished his meal, Roderich put all the dishes into the sink and washed them as quietly as it was possible. Ludwig closed his eyes, because the light still hurt them.

‘I don’t want to go by plane.’ He said.

‘I can drive you to Berlin, if you want me to.’

‘No. I mean… Thank you, but I… I was thinking about taking the train.’

‘Ah, fine. But you can’t go today. I mean, considering your condition.’

‘I agree.’ Ludwig nodded. ‘Thank you.’

‘It’s fine, you need to get better, before you leave or else…’

‘Or else?’

‘Your brother will think I did something to you. He’s already sure I’m a slut, I have no intention to give him more evidence.’

Ludwig nodded again. ‘I’m so sorry about that.’

‘I got used to people thinking I am a slut.’

The German stood up and walked up to the Austrian.

‘Let me do it.’ He asked softly.

‘Can’t you just sit down?’ Roderich turned off the water.

‘No, I… I want to help you with this.’

‘Please don’t.’

‘Roderich… are you mad at me?’

‘No. I agree that you’d need some time to figure out your feelings.’ The Austrian turned to him. 

Ludwig took two steps backwards. Roderich was too close, his fragrance filling the German’s nose who couldn’t trust himself. Keeping space was the only safe solution. Roderich didn’t seem to mind it at all, he finished the dishwashing. 

‘Do you want me to be with you when you pack?’ He asked.

‘Yes, I would appreciate that.’

The day went by, Ludwig getting ready to leave the next day, Roderich doing country work, sitting on the German’s bed, laptop in his lap, eyes fixed on the screen. They barely spoke and if they did, it was about work or the details of Ludwig’s travel. But neither of them concentrated on what they should do. These two weeks had gone by so fast and so peacefully. Roderich felt content with this particular German living in his house. He was grateful to find this young and strong man in his kitchen every morning. But still, he was worried for Ludwig, because he had just gone through a break up and he didn’t understand the reasons. And he didn’t understand his own feelings either. Roderich genuinely hoped that the German could figure them out and then recover from the heartbreak. The Austrian didn’t want Ludwig to be in love with him, although he couldn’t deny he would be happy if that was the case. 

Ludwig, too, was thankful for these two weeks. In Vienna, he had always felt like the whole world gone completely silent and slowed down. Here the days passed by with coffee, music and work and he had always been content with it. And now, he had to leave it all behind, because he had absolutely no idea what was going on inside his head. He would surely miss the peace, the music, but most importantly, Roderich. This fragile Austrian, who - giving up all his dignity - decided to help him and treated him with so much respect. He didn’t know if this treatment was due to the fact that Roderich had forgotten what happened during the wars or that he had left him after ‘45. The German felt horrible for all these things, he didn’t need another thing to feel horrible about.

‘Ludwig, would you let me pay for the train ticket? I mean… I…’ Roderich’s voice cut the German’s thoughts off.

‘Under no circumstances.’ Ludwig sat on the bed when he realised what Roderich just suggested. ‘All this is my fault. Mostly it is my own fault that I have to leave. So I will pay for the ticket.’

‘Fine, if you wish to. I think I will order food for dinner. What do you think?’

‘Good idea. But no Italian food, please. Not yet.’

Roderich felt the urge to laugh at this, but finally he was able to hide his amusement. He had been trained for this, so he just nodded.

‘Roderich, would you be so kind and help me out with the e-ticket system?’

‘Yes. Take this.’ Roderich put the laptop in Ludwig’s lap.

With minimal guidance, Ludwig purchased his ticket for the next day. It was final. Roderich breathed out loudly. Maybe in his life this was the last time he could be so close to his love. It felt like something sacred. He didn’t dare to move, he was too afraid that the slightest, softest move would ruin this.

And then, Ludwig’s mobile rang. The German stood up and walked to the bedside table to check the phone. He didn’t answer the call.

‘Gilbert?’

‘Feliciano.’

‘Why don’t you answer?’ Roderich asked surprised.

‘I don’t want to talk to him.’

‘What if… he just wants to apologize or something?’ 

‘Do you remember why I need to leave Vienna?’

‘For alone time.’ Roderich nodded.

‘Exactly. I will call him back when I want to.’

‘Yes, of course. Sorry. I just…’

‘Do you think I should answer the call?’

‘You should do whatever you wish to. Regardless of my opinion or presence.’

‘No, I just… I really don’t want to talk to him at the moment.’ Ludwig shook his head. 

‘I see.’

Roderich pulled the laptop back into his lap and ordered dinner. As usual, he only ate strudels, but he knew full well that wouldn’t be enough for the German. He finally chose some chicken with rice. Just when he clicked to ‘order’, Ludwig closed his suitcase.

‘Thank you for everything, Roderich. I’m sorry I have to leave.’

‘But it is necessary. And you will be healed when we meet again. Everything will be fine, Ludwig.’

‘Can… Can I…’ The German’s eyes locked with the Austrian’s. ‘Nevermind.’

Roderich nodded. ‘The food will be here soon.’

‘Thank you.’

They went back to the kitchen and ate dinner quietly. After dinner, Roderich did the dishes, letting Ludwig be the first to shower. This was over.


	4. Chapter 4

There it was. The World Conference took place in Vienna. Roderich didn’t really have time to think about Ludwig and his visit in June, the Austrian was obviously busy with the organization of the event. He had done this many times before, so he knew how he needed to organize the whole event to be perfect. He knew exactly how many nations would attend and how many hotel rooms he needed to book for them. However easy it was, it still took its toll on Roderich who had always been exhausted by tasks like this. 

Finally, the day of World Conference had come. The conference hall that Roderich had booked was perfectly prepared and taxis waited at the airport. Roderich had kept his phone switched on during the night if any nation needed help on the way to Vienna. He woke up earlier than he had planned and now he was close to being ready for the day. He was tying his shoes when his phone rang.

‘Edelstein.’ He immediately put the phone on speaker to avoid wasting time.

‘It’s me, Ludwig. Do I bother you?’ This was the first time Ludwig called him, since he had left Vienna.

‘No, absolutely not. How can I help you?’ Roderich could barely hide the happiness in his voice. 

‘Can we talk after the conference?’ 

‘Yes. Yes, of course.’

‘Thank you. I need to switch Gilbert at driving.’

‘Yes, yes. Take care, Ludwig.’ Roderich hung up.

He stood up and had a last look at himself in the mirror. He looked good. Or at least good enough for what was about to happen. He didn’t expect much of this day, he knew pretty well that Alfred would make work even harder than it normally was. Or Gilbert. He took one last breath, picked up his briefcase and left. 

When he arrived to the conference hall, he put down his briefcase and took off his suit, then went to check if everything was perfectly organized on the desks. The same folders next to every name, a pen neatly placed on the right side of them. Most nations were right-handed, so Roderich assumed this would be fair enough. Most of them wouldn’t use the pens, anyways. 

Now, it was time to think about Ludwig, even if that was only two minutes. Did he call because he had figured out his feelings in the past two months? Or is it just something ordinary? It might be some country business between Germany and Austria, too. Whether or not, this was going to be an exciting World Conference. Roderich walked back to his seat and checked once more if he had his painkillers with him - he was pretty sure he would need them, especially since he had been feeling even more tired in the past few days than he normally did. 

When he was at this point of thinking, the doors opened. All the nations that had promised to come entered the huge hall. Ludwig was already heading towards Roderich, since it was the German’s task to lead the conversation and the Austrian’s to take notes, just as always. 

‘Welcome.’ Roderich nodded, taking his seat. 

They didn’t shake hands. Not like they had ever done that, but Roderich felt as if something was wrong or unusual. Ludwig seemed even more serious than he usually was. Roderich shook his head, as if he could shake those thoughts out. 

‘Welcome everybody!’ Ludwig started, talking into the microphone in front of him and suddenly all the nations fell silent. 

He spoke slowly, but loudly and firmly and no one would dare to talk when he did. When he opened the conference, Roderich stood up. His voice was quieter, but just as serious. 

‘We want to get the work done as fast as possible, don’t we?’ nodding was the answer. ‘Great. Let’s concentrate then and make it as easy for each other as we can. Thank you.’

Nothing unusual happened. Gilbert opened a beer at the second hour of the meeting and Ivan joined him with some vodka. Roderich immediately started to look for the painkillers, but Ludwig caught his hand and stopped him. ‘Not yet.’ He whispered and the Austrian decided to let it go. Then food delivery arrived. It was obvious that Feliciano had placed the order, considering the box contained pasta. This time Ludwig didn’t stop Roderich from taking the painkiller. Then, finally, it was time for lunch break.

‘We aren’t getting anywhere.’ Roderich muttered under his breath.

‘It’s always like this, you must know it.’ A woman’s voice answered.

‘Elisabeth! I hoped we could talk.’

‘Here I am then. Is it about Ludwig?’ The Hungarian smiled wildly.

‘Maybe. But mostly me, if you don’t mind.’

‘I don’t.’

‘What if he tells me he wants to be with me? What do I do?’

‘You’ll be with him. Obviously.’

‘You know it’s more complicated than that, Elisabeth.’

‘Do you still love him?’

Roderich blushed and looked away. That was enough for the woman. 

‘You are overthinking it. I know you have bad memories of when you were a couple, but… those times are long gone now. We live in peace. You can let your heart decide, finally. Take your chance.’ 

‘You know, I must be the luckiest man for having such a supportive ex-wife.’

‘I want you to be happy. We all deserve to happy, so do you.’

‘Thank you, Elisabeth.’

‘Your welcome, Roderich. I’m gonna eat something, do you want to join me?’

‘No, I don’t think I could eat now.’

Elisabeth left him alone, just when Ludwig came back to his seat. 

‘You should eat.’ The German stated. 

‘I can’t.’

This was everything. Roderich spent the rest of the break writing music notes on the papers, Ludwig, not having any sense of taking a break, answering some emails on his laptop. 

The second part of the conference took an even worse turn. Basch got tired of Alfred’s comments and decided to shoot him. Luckily, Ludwig was good enough at negotiating to talk the Swiss out of his plan, but the German decided to end the meeting for that day. Roderich took another painkiller, his head was so heavy he couldn’t bear it, so obviously, he was unbelievably happy that he could finally go home.

He drove home and closed the door behind him with a deep sigh. He decided to check the notes he had taken and send them out in emails. But he was too tired to do it. Just when he was reading through his papers, he fell asleep on the couch. 

Ludwig found him like that: papers all around the couch, where Roderich was sleeping. The German put down the keys that he had forgotten to give back to Roderich and sat down on the floor. He gently took the Austrian’s shoes off and picked up the sleeping body.

‘Ludwig.’ Roderich whispered half-asleep.

‘Yes, it’s me.’

‘I can go upstairs by myself.’

‘I didn’t ask. Sleep.’

Roderich didn’t spoke, but he didn’t close his eyes either. He wanted to enjoy every second of this. He didn’t know when he would meet Ludwig again, so he had to take mental notes of everything the other one did.

Ludwig put him down on the bed and softly pulled the blanket over him. ‘Aren’t you going to get sick?’ The German asked.

‘No, of course not.’

‘I brought back your keys.’

‘So that’s how you came in.’ Roderich whispered, feeling his eyelids becoming heavy again.

‘Yes. Roderich… I… Can I stay?’

‘Your room is clean.’

‘No, I mean here. Next to you.’

The Austrian looked up at him. He was a bit confused and definitely too tired for this… whatever this was. Ludwig seemed to be calm, mere waiting on his slightly blushed face.

‘Thought you were still heartbroken over Feliciano.’

‘I know what this thing was. And I want to be with you.’

‘Fine. Stay then, Ludwig.’ Roderich was still suspicious, but exhausted so he chose the easier solution.

The German took off his clothes and climbed into the bed, next to Roderich. The scent of the Austrian filled his nose immediately. He could barely sleep under the silk blankets, he knew it full well, but he wanted to stay here for as long as it was possible. Everything seemed to be so peaceful and he just felt the safest here. He hated himself for not feeling like home in Berlin or Cologne, but in Vienna everything was so easy. Or was it because of Roderich?

The Austrian turned to face him. ‘We are going to sleep.’ He stated. ‘I’m too tired for anything else.’

‘Will you let me embrace you?’

Roderich nodded and curled closer to the other. From so close, Ludwig seemed to be tired, too. Roderich knew too well the German hated these social events. He was fine with having three or four nations together, but World Conferences were horrible. Roderich thought the reason why Ludwig didn’t like to speak in public, like he did today, was the horrible memory of the Führer speaking in public. The Austrian put his cold hand gently on the German’s face.

‘This feels good.’

‘I know. You’ve always liked it.’

‘Sleep, Roderich. You look sick, you must sleep it off.’

Ludwig pulled him closer, so now Roderich’s face was buried into his chest. They both fell asleep fast, this day was exhausting for both of them.

In the morning, Roderich woke up first. The sun was shining already and the whole room was coated in golden light. Even Ludwig’s already golden hair and his pale face now looked like it was translucent. The Austrian softly kissed his forehead and got up, smiling to himself.

He went to the bathroom and took off his clothes. He needed a shower. Terribly. He didn’t know what Ludwig wanted. He should have known better after all this time then to start hoping again for something that can never be his. Really his. Before Gilbert came to Vienna that night in 1989, he thought he had buried his feelings for Ludwig, then life proved him wrong. He still loved the German, no matter what.

When he finished getting ready for the day, he went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. He knew the second day of the conferences was much easier than the first. Most nations were hangover, not to mention those who were still drunk from last night, and even those who managed to stay sober last night were just thinking about going home finally. Progress was always made on the second days. 

Finally, coffee was ready. Roderich picked two mugs and poured the black, bitter liquid into them. For himself, he added some sugar and milk, but for Ludwig, coffee was always a cup of dark, bitter liquid.

‘Good morning.’ Ludwig entered the kitchen.

Roderich nearly dropped the coffee, he was buried in his own thoughts.

‘Good morning. How are you so cat-like? It’s ridiculous.’ The Austrian asked, handing the other the coffee. 

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.’

‘I’m making French toast, do you want to eat something else?’

‘No, French toast is perfect. Thank you.’

‘Take a seat, Ludwig and tell me what do you want. It seems to me that you have come to a conclusion about your feelings, haven’t you?’ Roderich turned back to the stove.

‘Indeed. I realized that I have never stopped loving you.’

‘Than what was this thirty-year-long affair?’ The Austrian didn’t believe him.

‘I don’t know. Maybe I was scared to come back to you. Maybe I didn’t know how to come back. I don’t know. I’m so sorry for putting you through all this, you shouldn’t be dealing with my feelings. But finally I made up my mind and I want to stay. Can I stay, Roderich?’ 

The Austrian switched off the stove and sat down again. He needed some minutes to process this information. He knew full well that Ludwig’s cold and serious exterior was due to everything that had happened during the World Wars, but he would never think Ludwig had buried his feelings for him. He thought he had always given Ludwig a safe place to show his feelings, but maybe it wasn’t like that. He could have shown his own feelings to encourage Ludwig. 

‘Stay, Ludwig.’ He breathed out finally. ‘But… I think we need to discuss some topics before you decide to spend your life in Vienna.’

‘Of course. I didn’t mean to stay my whole life. Besides… we both have bad experience with me living in Vienna.’

‘We can visit each other as many times and for as long as we wish. We are not ordinary men and we can’t go back to our old habits living and fighting together.’ 

‘My brother won’t like the idea of me being with you.’

‘I can endure that. I’ve endured worse.’ Roderich leaned closer to the German. ‘And most importantly. I love you.’

Ludwig caressed his face, leaning closer to the Austrian. When he saw Roderich closing his eyes, he knew it was time to do something. The kiss was a bit lame, but sweet and tender. Roderich associated it with the kiss that two inexperienced lovers would share, but when their lips parted, both of them were breathless. 

‘I…’ Ludwig started, but Roderich placed his finger on the German’s mouth.

After a few minutes of silence, the Austrian spoke up finally. ‘Why don’t you let us experience this?’ He asked holding Ludwig’s hand.

‘I felt like I wasn’t… I did it the wrong way.’

‘You will have so many more chance to do it the right way.’

‘I wanted it to be…’

‘Perfect. Yes. How many times do I have to tell you that it doesn’t have to be perfect?’

Ludwig flushed a light shade of pink. He really wanted their first kiss - if he could call that a first kiss - to be perfect. He didn’t imagine it the way it finally happened. But he was happy it did happen. 

‘Can I hold your hand when we walk up to the conference?’ He asked softly. 

‘Well, I’m not sure if that would be acceptable, but we will go together for sure.’ Roderich wondered. ‘Come, have breakfast, we need to leave soon.’ He stood up and walked up to the stove, taking plates and placing the French toast on them.

‘Are you happy?’

‘With you by my side I’ve never been sad.’ The Austrian put the plate in front of Ludwig.

The German pulled the hand gently to his mouth for a soft kiss. He was happy, too.


End file.
